CLUBS · By a correspondent wearing gloves now

Mira Quill says the vines are citing sources. Jory Mallow says that makes them faculty.

The Grimoire Gardening Society’s fundraiser for new potting glyphs was briefly delayed when an ivy cutting climbed the lectern and began footnoting the treasurer’s minutes. Mira Quill described the citation style as ‘technically defensible,’ which is how you know matters had become grave.

Jory Mallow attempted to auction the plant as a guest lecturer. Bidding was spirited until the ivy corrected Cassian Vale’s pronunciation of ‘horticultural’ in front of donors, at which point everyone agreed it had already given back to the community.